Paul sort of complained a little while ago that I don't update my diaries anymore. So I'm updating this one. Even though I have nothing really to say.
Sunday was an awesome day. I spent it with Paul snuggling him and feeling very close to him. Then yesterday I spent the day with him again. I went to his sister's house and then from there we all went to see The Two Towers. It was an okay movie. Not spectacular, as most people seem to think, but okay. And yesterday I felt far away from himagain. I just felt left out. I fel tdepressed like I always do. Only this time I made Paul feel like shit too.
And he got really mad at me for that.
So I'm spending New Year's Eve without him again. You can bet I'm in a real happy mood right now. He hasn't called me yet today. I don't want to call him. I don't really want to see him either. Well, I guess I really do, but I don't as well. I miss him like crazy, but I don't want to see him when he's mad at me.
Last night he said something along the lines of this: "...and I'll be with my family. The people I love. And I'll be happy."
I guess.. he doesn't love me anymore.
and if he doesn't love me anymore, then there's no point in keeping this diary anymore. because it was for him.
am i sad? no, just numb. but that won't last. the drug will wear off and then i feel how much im hurting inside and then ill just fucking go insane. so ill probably be back. not for any other reaso than to selfishly purge myself of the poison inside me.
i hate myself. i can honestly say that i hate myself. and all i have to do is just sit here and wait. wait for him, like i always have and apparently always will.
i cant type when im crying. fuck this.
-